The Fear

One of my favorite songs this year comes from a handy dandy little British man named Ben Howard. It's called "The Fear." In it, he sings

"I've been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear."

Worry and fear. Two things that feed each other endlessly, that put the human carrying these two burdens on a slippery slope down into a Godless abyss of confusion and anxiety. Two things that have pummeled me time and again. Two things that I feel I will be battling in massive ways this time around in Peru.

Confession: I've pretty much always been a scaredy cat. As a kid, I always needed to fall asleep with the hallway light on (still do sometimes...). I'd even take a running leap from the other end of the hallway to avoid being snatched by the monsters hiding under my bed. It didn't stop there. Whenever we'd play hide and go seek or chasing games, I'd be so afraid of someone running after me that, when they did, I'd just fall to the ground laugh, cry, and pee a little. Also, I can't watch horror movies. If I do, the images will haunt me for years.

Ridiculous, I know. I'll often ask people who like watching horror movies, "how do you do it?!" Their usual response is, "I just tell myself it isn't real." It's the same thing my Mom would tell me if I was ever home alone in the house - "it's all in your head."

She's right. That's why I tell myself or others to make myself feel more adult-ish, "oh, I just have a wild imagination so I can't watch movies like that," or, "I can't/don't like to be at home by myself." The problem with that is telling myself these things will only continue to harbor the worry and fear, not face it.

So, here I am in the mountains of Peru, living in my friend's house by myself. Not necessarily ideal for an extreme extrovert, let alone one who is still somewhat afraid of the dark and being alone.

The other night was my first night alone in the house. Mama Rosa (the house mom here at Kusi) asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. I told her, "no, I think I need to get used to this." I laid awake in bed for an hour, feeling the adrenaline rush through my veins at every weird, loud refrigerator noise, house creak, or dog barking outside. Staring at the crack in my door just waiting for something to happen. Then, I realized, "If I keep doing this, there's no way I'm getting any sleep. It is all in my head." It's like that guy FDR says, "The only thing to fear is fear itself."

Isaiah 41:10 says,
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I was meditating on this verse all day the second night I knew I'd have to sleep alone. "It's right... what is there to fear, God, if you are with me? If it is my time to go for whatever reason, I need to trust that that's in your hands," I thought. I prayed Philippians 4:6-7 - to give those crazy anxious thoughts to God and ask for peace.

And He gave it to me.

Little old afraid-of-the-dark me drove up to camp that night, feeling totally ok driving in the dark by myself. When I got to camp, I felt a deep peace that really went beyond my understanding or even ability to create such a peace. It was like I could see light in the dark, and nothing in the shadows frightened me. Not even the refrigerator that breathes like Darth Vader, nor the random house creaks the adobe house makes (who knew adobe could creak?!).

There was just. peace. And it rocked. It reminded me that my God is faithful, He answers my prayers, He's bigger than anything that even could be hiding in the shadows, and He has me here. In His hands. For a reason.

I was texting my sister while I was in bed last night, forgetting these promises already, and she said, "Just keep praying for it :) He's there with you. You're exactly where you're meant to be." TOO RIGHT, sister. Too right, you... 

One of the boys was even telling me about his struggles with fear at lunch today (talk about a recurring theme). Every day at the cafe, we eat lunch together and talk through a devotional. Today's devo just so happened to be about thinking the thoughts of God and letting everything else fall to the wayside. Whaddaya know. This boy, Cocha, was telling me about how he used to be afraid when going to bed, even though he shared a room with other people. He said, "I just had to remember that God is powerful, and He is with me. Once I remembered that, I stopped being afraid."

So, it's looking like the antidote to fear is faith. To believe these promises, believe God is with me, believe He is bigger than flipping everything, and to be. not. afraid. If fearsome thoughts reside in my head, why can't the thoughts of God kick them out and reside there instead? (rhyme quasi-unintentional...)

If you find yourself dealing with fear sometimes, what do you do to battle it?

Prayer corner 

Would love it if you'd like to pray that I continue to feel peace in the house, that God would be over it, protecting the house and me, and that I'd keep trusting His promise to be with me. That He is bigger and better than anything. Pray that anything evil could just stay the heck out, and that God's Spirit would rest on that place and the entire camp.

Extra Credit Prayers

Probably another blogpost to come on these soon, but would love prayer for:
- the boys
- the house family - Rosa, Angel, Alexia, Jusephi
- Scripture Union - the program behind the boys' home is going through a lot of changes. Prayer for a smooth transition would be sweet.
- the Cafe - that we'd continue to be successful in the slow season, and that I'd adjust to Peruvian business methods
- my Spanish. It's nerve-wracking speaking mostly only Spanish all day long. And messing up, like, all the time. Would love prayer that I'd mejorar (get better) fairly quickly and be able to understand/express myself well with the customers who often blank-face me. 

Rookie of the Week

Learning how to drive manual on the highest mountain in Peru makes you feel like a total badass.

There's something so satisfying about shifting gears and understanding the deeper physics behind mobiles. On top of that, you can garner some mad respect points from Peruvians if you're a woman. Want to talk about stereotypes? They really think women can't drive. Like, at all. They're more impressed that I'm a woman driving a car than that I've learned manual in a week.

Learning manual wasn't all easy peasy squeezy, though. I've had to go through some coaching and rough bumps in the road (seriously) to get to this point where driving manual is almost becoming second nature. That's pretty much been the theme of my first week here in Peru - aka the week of the Rookie.

Generally, I pride myself on being a fairly quick learner (and humble at that!). But when you throw a bunch of different things with lots of tiny details in the pot of learning? My brain begins to stew.  That's kind of what this week has been like - learning lots of little things, big things, and praying that I don't forget either of them along the way.

The little things are what I would consider things that, on their own, don't change the core of my life. I think little things are more likely to reveal what resides at the core. This week has been full of them - learning the ropes at the cafe, in the car, and what to do in mini crises like when my bank account stopped working because I got phished. Yeah. That actually happens (careful where you swipe your card). The cool thing about having a lot of little things pile up slash a mini crisis is these circumstances point me back to God. It reminds me that He's bigger than me and all of these things added together.

Through these little things, I'm starting to see the themes of some Big Things. I think we're about to get serious with some trust, prayer, and grace. So not vague, right? These three things, I'm feeling, will be the core of whatever God is teaching me while I'm here in Peru.

For starters, TRUST. The day after I got to Peru last week, someone in Georgia stole my moneys. At the time, I didn't have enough cash on me to last the entire time I'm here. I needed to figure out how to get a new bank card sent to this little old country called PERU where addresses can be faulty and the mail system even faultier. Oh, that and I didn't have an easy way to call the US without WiFi. [Insert freak out moment here].

Thankfully, a lot of small little pieces were in place where, looking back at it, I can tell God was over all of it. Por ejemplo, I called the bank before leaving America to say "hey, I'll be in Peru for a while." That's probably the only reason they would've thought Georgia to be a totally strange place for me to be. I was also in Lima, which was not the original plan, but it made it a lot easier to take care of this banking issue business. On top of that, I have amazing family and friends who helped me to coordinate a bajillion different things to a) get some cash in Peru to carry me over until the card gets here and 2) get the card here. It all just kept getting better and better.

The thing about trust is - when I'm in the middle of the worry spot, I can look at one of two things - God or what I'm worried about. Usually, I keep looking at what I'm worried about. Enter God getting His Frozen on like "Let it gooo..."

I wish I would listen sometimes. Instead, I get caught up in this worry spiral that just snowballs into everything - money, safety, little things, big things. It's the pits.

If I really trusted the Lord was good and was with me, like really really trusted Him, I don't think it would be an issue. He would fill me with peace, and I would get straight up Elsa on that business and let it go. That's His promise -

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Preach, Paul. Preach. Grace, prayer, and other lessons in trust are yet to come. In the meantime, excuse me while I play that verse and Frozen on repeat.

p.s. Prayer Corner
If you'd like to pray for me, I would love prayer that this verse would actually sink in - especially when it comes to staying in the house by myself or managing the cafe. Thanks! :)

The Greatest Analogy I've E'er Heard

Wrote this bad boy back in July, and it's as relevant as ever:

Props to my boss for this one. We met today so that I could tell him, "hey, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm moving."

Jefe (what I call him): Where? To Nashville?
Me: Nope
J: Toooo... Memphis?
Me: Nope
J: Tooo... [insert other random locale here]
Me: No.
J: I give up.
Me: C'mon, Jefe. This is easy. You can do it.
J: ....... ........ ............. Peru?
Me: Nailed it.

Following this moment in time was a long, heartfelt conversation filled with warm fuzzies and unicorn anecdotes. Joking, but it was a good conversation. I really respect and appreciate my boss. A lot. I  had to tell him soon because a) I have a crazy out-of-town schedule coming up and b) he'll need time to find someone to take my place.

SO, after telling him all the vacation business (I'll pretty much be gone for half of August and September) and asking, "whaaatt do we do with this?" we figured out a beautiful plan together that works well for all parties involved. It includes me staying through August, working part-time in September, helping train the noob, and then propelling forward into the world. And the Lord looked upon it and said, "it is good." I said, "I concur whole-heartedly."

Never one to not speak my mind (or use double negatives), I said to Jefe, "sometimes I feel like a crazy person. Like this is crazy, right? Exciting, but... crazy."

Then Jefe, in all of his infinite wisdom, looks off to the right corner of the room and wistfully begins to impart glorious knowledge upon my wandering mind, "You know... it's kind of like if you were to take a trip from Washington state to Florida. You know the direction that you're headed, but you probably don't know what roads you'll take once you get to Florida. However, you do have a general idea of how to get to Florida. Part of the joy is in what you'll discover on the way there."

So sage. I said, "That... is my new favorite analogy, and I will share it with everyone."

So, here you go, everyone. Even amid the unknowns, obstacles, and the which-door-will-I-take scenarios, I trust that this will work out. I'm setting my eyes on the Lord, and we're looking at Peru. Somehow, someway, we'll likely get there. At some point in time. Then, who knows what'll happen when I get there? Adventure, new doors, new friends, good times, hard times. One thing is for certain - God will be there. Just as much as He is here. That's reassuring, for sure.

I leave you with a physical representation of this glorious analogy, and a map of roughly the way that I would probably actually go if I were to drive from Washington to Florida...

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME

You guys. It's happening. I'm going to Perú. For an extended period of time.

Pause for emphasis and joy yells. !!!!!!!!!!!.

I stepped outside my car last night, looked up at the clear night sky, and realized I'll be looking at a very different set of stars come Saturday, aka TODAY.

This is all quite the jump from that post seven months ago where the idea of moving to Peru was all talk and daydreams. The last year has been an insane journey - with God's awesome plans unfolding in a way I couldn't have planned or imagined. Since  March, I've applied and was accepted to be a missionary in Peru for one year (that comes later), quit my job, spent half of August and September traveling, got a sweet interim contract job between when my last job ended and what's happening now - the opportunity to go to Peru the third time this year and for two months. 

So many curveballs, and I'm loving it! This one came about when my friend Scott asked me in July if I wanted to come help run his cafe in Peru for two months at the end of the year. I just wrote back, "yup," and let the details fall where they would. 

And fall they did. Here I am, possibly the only gringa on this connecting flight to San Salvador on my way to Peru, feeling somewhat totally unprepared (because I packed last night and didn't really mentally process any of this until this morning) and somehow at peace that this is going to be total awesome sauce (and that I'll become a baller barista extraordinaire). The sneaky little worry wart in me is praying everything was packed that I needed. Praying for safety and an amazing time. Praying nothing terrible happens (I have a wild imagination). The adventurer in me is crying, "HALLEFREAKINGLLUJAH!!!" And the processor in me can't believe how amazing this year has been, and how much of a parallel it is that I'm leaving for Peru exactly one year after life took a hugely difficult turn.

Thanks be to God! Thanks be to you guys, too- I'm so grateful for such amazing friends and family.

If you'd like to pray for me, I'd love prayer for safety while traveling and living there, great community, relationships, and healing while I'm there, for my mind - that I lean into God's word, block out the devil, and TRUST God, for protection from the enemy, that nothing gets stolen, and that this time is just awesome - especially since it'll be my first Christmas away from home.

I love you guys. ¡Nos vemos!