The Fear

One of my favorite songs this year comes from a handy dandy little British man named Ben Howard. It's called "The Fear." In it, he sings

"I've been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear."

Worry and fear. Two things that feed each other endlessly, that put the human carrying these two burdens on a slippery slope down into a Godless abyss of confusion and anxiety. Two things that have pummeled me time and again. Two things that I feel I will be battling in massive ways this time around in Peru.

Confession: I've pretty much always been a scaredy cat. As a kid, I always needed to fall asleep with the hallway light on (still do sometimes...). I'd even take a running leap from the other end of the hallway to avoid being snatched by the monsters hiding under my bed. It didn't stop there. Whenever we'd play hide and go seek or chasing games, I'd be so afraid of someone running after me that, when they did, I'd just fall to the ground laugh, cry, and pee a little. Also, I can't watch horror movies. If I do, the images will haunt me for years.

Ridiculous, I know. I'll often ask people who like watching horror movies, "how do you do it?!" Their usual response is, "I just tell myself it isn't real." It's the same thing my Mom would tell me if I was ever home alone in the house - "it's all in your head."

She's right. That's why I tell myself or others to make myself feel more adult-ish, "oh, I just have a wild imagination so I can't watch movies like that," or, "I can't/don't like to be at home by myself." The problem with that is telling myself these things will only continue to harbor the worry and fear, not face it.

So, here I am in the mountains of Peru, living in my friend's house by myself. Not necessarily ideal for an extreme extrovert, let alone one who is still somewhat afraid of the dark and being alone.

The other night was my first night alone in the house. Mama Rosa (the house mom here at Kusi) asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. I told her, "no, I think I need to get used to this." I laid awake in bed for an hour, feeling the adrenaline rush through my veins at every weird, loud refrigerator noise, house creak, or dog barking outside. Staring at the crack in my door just waiting for something to happen. Then, I realized, "If I keep doing this, there's no way I'm getting any sleep. It is all in my head." It's like that guy FDR says, "The only thing to fear is fear itself."

Isaiah 41:10 says,
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I was meditating on this verse all day the second night I knew I'd have to sleep alone. "It's right... what is there to fear, God, if you are with me? If it is my time to go for whatever reason, I need to trust that that's in your hands," I thought. I prayed Philippians 4:6-7 - to give those crazy anxious thoughts to God and ask for peace.

And He gave it to me.

Little old afraid-of-the-dark me drove up to camp that night, feeling totally ok driving in the dark by myself. When I got to camp, I felt a deep peace that really went beyond my understanding or even ability to create such a peace. It was like I could see light in the dark, and nothing in the shadows frightened me. Not even the refrigerator that breathes like Darth Vader, nor the random house creaks the adobe house makes (who knew adobe could creak?!).

There was just. peace. And it rocked. It reminded me that my God is faithful, He answers my prayers, He's bigger than anything that even could be hiding in the shadows, and He has me here. In His hands. For a reason.

I was texting my sister while I was in bed last night, forgetting these promises already, and she said, "Just keep praying for it :) He's there with you. You're exactly where you're meant to be." TOO RIGHT, sister. Too right, you... 

One of the boys was even telling me about his struggles with fear at lunch today (talk about a recurring theme). Every day at the cafe, we eat lunch together and talk through a devotional. Today's devo just so happened to be about thinking the thoughts of God and letting everything else fall to the wayside. Whaddaya know. This boy, Cocha, was telling me about how he used to be afraid when going to bed, even though he shared a room with other people. He said, "I just had to remember that God is powerful, and He is with me. Once I remembered that, I stopped being afraid."

So, it's looking like the antidote to fear is faith. To believe these promises, believe God is with me, believe He is bigger than flipping everything, and to be. not. afraid. If fearsome thoughts reside in my head, why can't the thoughts of God kick them out and reside there instead? (rhyme quasi-unintentional...)

If you find yourself dealing with fear sometimes, what do you do to battle it?

Prayer corner 

Would love it if you'd like to pray that I continue to feel peace in the house, that God would be over it, protecting the house and me, and that I'd keep trusting His promise to be with me. That He is bigger and better than anything. Pray that anything evil could just stay the heck out, and that God's Spirit would rest on that place and the entire camp.

Extra Credit Prayers

Probably another blogpost to come on these soon, but would love prayer for:
- the boys
- the house family - Rosa, Angel, Alexia, Jusephi
- Scripture Union - the program behind the boys' home is going through a lot of changes. Prayer for a smooth transition would be sweet.
- the Cafe - that we'd continue to be successful in the slow season, and that I'd adjust to Peruvian business methods
- my Spanish. It's nerve-wracking speaking mostly only Spanish all day long. And messing up, like, all the time. Would love prayer that I'd mejorar (get better) fairly quickly and be able to understand/express myself well with the customers who often blank-face me.